happy birthday to ME !

Soo today's my birthday.

21. WOOT WOOT.

It's raining outside. boooooooo.

I miss my boyfriend . SOOOO much.

I made some converse the other day but I don't know what size to get.

I heard they run small? I usually wear a 4, so does that mean I need to get a 3?

I love this picture.. borrowed it form cuban bunny ;)

 I need to know where I can get that.

PINK !!! 

sooner vs  later I will have lots of  lovey dovey pictures and you will all know how happy I am.

Chino Latino's for dinner tonight?

Hope I like it.

Birthday Plans.. or NOT.

So my 21st birthday is coming up. I want to be really cheap though. 

Whatever. Judge me if you want, but that's just how I roll.

Plus it's my day so I can do whatever I want.

I think the only thing I may purchase is my red velvet cake from target. [om nom nom]

and my pink converse that I made earlier today.

I tried to shop online earlier, I couldn't find anything ! booo.

I even went to Victoria Secret. NOTHING.

Everyone who knows me, knows I spend way too much money there.

Must be losing my touch.

I need a new journal too. So I'll add that to the list.

Happy 21st birth to me in 6 days.

Heyyy-ohhh.

Spinning out of Control

Certain things piss me off really bad. For example, when people are sneaky. If you have to sneak then you know the shit that your doing isn't okay. By all means we're all grown out here and if you feel the need to indulge in other people, then fuck being in a relationship. That's the bottom line. I'd rather you break that shit off, because there is no explanation/justification that will make cheating [and just to be clear there are all sorts of things that fall into the category of cheating] make it okay. 

I have a deep hatred for these type of people, who will lie their way through anything just have their cake & eat it to. That shit is immature whenever you get through and EVERYONE will eventually get hurt. 

Also little ass girls, who decide and think that it's okay to pursue someone when they knowingly KNOW that this guy has a girlfriend. Your fucking low. Really fucking low, and karma is a bitch.

That is all .

" IF you can't accept me at my WORSE; You don't DESERVE me at my BEST"

I feel so much better. Credit to my little sis Maya Papaya & Lilly. But most of all credit to myself. I am going to get through all of this regardless of what the outcome will be. The weight has been lifted. Thank God.

 

I'm only HUMAN.

I usually give myself A LOT of credit when it comes to being patient.

I believe that I do hold a lot of patience when it comes to kids, but I suppose my stress is also do to the lack of patience when it comes to everything else. Right now I'm OVERWHELMED. I'm not happy where I am at this point in my life but I want to make the best of it, and be thankful that I'm even alive. That I even have the option of changing it, but it's a lot more challenging than I would have thought.

I'm the type of person who prefers to have that specific person who I can run to and just be in his arms when I need to. That person who makes it seem like everything will be okay in the end. But the situation I'm in prevents it and this isn't anything new for me. We've done this before it's just  been a lot harder than I'd like it to be.  See we've never been in the same state, and then all of a sudden we were for the past 5 months. We did get closer, and I guess that affected me more than I wanted to admit. I know that  each day that goes by is another day closer I get to seeing him again. I just need to constantly remind myself that, as well as find an outlet of some sort because some days I'm great and other days I'm not.

It's an emotional roller-coaster as hell, and sometimes I feel like I don't want to be on it anymore.

=/

Last night it was realllllyyy hard. I got super overwhelmed over something that I should just be over. I was okay for most of the day, but then it just took a turning point. It shouldn't be like this, it can get to be "too much" and I do want to have more control over it. Unfortunately being honest, I just don't. 

"If u were hurt in the past, God gives u a new gift everyday:  It's called the PRESENT. Let nothing ruin your  FUTURE! " -Rev. Run

At this point I just feel like regardless of how often I stress or think about things that make me upset ( not purposely) things are going to happen. Regardless. Things that I have absolutely NO CONTROL over. I have to accept that, I have to hope & pray & trust that this is going to be different. That this is going to be something good & long lasting. I need to get to the point where I know what I am & can bring to the table. I do consider myself the whole damn package. I am. No doubt. So therefore if you can't appreciate that in the end, it won't be my fault. It'll be your loss. I want to have that attitude or that outlook it's just so much easier said than it is done. But I will get that mentality. I will. 

Everybody has a story, stop playing the victim. This is your life, your story. Don't hold anybody accountable for the out come. YOU CHOOSE YOUR ENDING. You owe it to yourself, not the one's who have done you wrong. -Kena Graves

So I read the quote above this morning and it was just like a " snap the fuck out of it Cymone" and I was better. Small steps. Small steps & friends like her.

 

11:45

You know some people say we have a sixth sense. Women often refer to it as our intuition. I believe as long as you go with your gut feeling you won't have regrets. Almost like god is talking to you. So I just want to put it out there, that if you ever need to tell me something ( hey god, it's me ) I promise I'll listen. Just tell me what I need to do, and I'll do my very best to accomplish it.

Dreams

I am definitely a dreamer. I have dreams all the damn time and I definitely ALWAYS feel as though there is meaning behind them. Well I've recently learned, that my mind is super sensitive before I fall asleep. So if my mind is fixed on something someone said, or even if something is bothering me then I will probably have a really crazy dream. I also seem to dwell on small things like what I've read or something because I had a dream that I was pregnant. OH NO! Can I like OD on birth control? Remember "a pill a day keeps the babies away" but the dream was super dramatic because my stomach was small as hell, I delivered my own baby, my boyfriend was there, but we couldn't think of a name, and then like 2 hours later I was walking around. Hah ! Crazy as hell, I know. But still, I hope that it was just a dream, well I know that it was just a dream because currently I'm not pregnant. We're just going to keep it like that people. 

I'm not Depressed. CHILL.

I want to make cupcakes. A bunch of them.

Drink lots & lots of vodka.

Then drink a campfire mocha from Caribou & read Harry Potter with my Ugg slippers.

Oh how I miss thee

So I told myself starting the 1st of June I would write every day. I know it looks like I didn't yesterday.. But I couldn't. i don't know what happen ! Anyway, my speakers work again ! Thank god, I like yanked the headphones out of the outlet & it made the red light go away and the speakers play sound ! Yay to movies with sound ... ;]

Now back to the regular scheduled program..

Today :

I miss... 

His smile.

His face. 

His laugh.

His touch

His embrace.

His heart.

His swag.

His being.

I miss his kiss.

The way he looks at me.

The way we interact.

His corny jokes.

His 45 min showers .. little fishy

I miss him a lot today.

 

 New Orleans. Puerto Rico. Chipotle. Melodic Alien .

my other half .

 

Rain Clouds

Today it's raining . Which fits my mood; sort of.

It's the weekend, right in the middle . 

I had a weird dream last night, so many random people.

I like to analyze my dreams, maybe there's a message hidden deep within.

Today I could just sleep all day.

Or, be with you. That's not going to happen we both know this.

But another option: get lost in one of the 50 books I'm sure I own.

Not nearly enough, I'm working on it.

My mind is scattered with so many thoughts, one word makes me take a completely different path.

I have all these decisions I want to make. need to really.

I want to help so many people, but sometimes I just need to help myself.

Have you ever felt alone, and your surrounded by lots of people.

Sometimes I feel like that, a lot of times.

Distractions need to come easier, I think if I moved to Seattle I would actually enjoy the weather.

Watched another movie on netflix =]

Remember the Daze .

Life.

 2010.4.06

So today was the last day of work for the week, and I got to be done early. GREAT way to start the weekend.. yeah ?

Well I thought this too, UNTIL my speakers on my mac book stopped functioning which is wack because I was JUST using them like not even 5 mins before they started acting all childish . My  child [ the computer ] is slowly dying on me, and it needs to go to the emergency room!  Unfortunately the bill is probably going to be out of this world. I still have to save it though, but seriously.. hang on and don't die on me.

Besides feeling sort of overwhelmed I was getting really really irritated and then I went and read this . Thank god it was a new post, because I already read the rest of them, one of my fav blogs hands down. Anyway, my birthday is soon, almost 2 weeks exactly.. I have mixed feelings about it. I want to do so much, but then at the same time I'm just like blah.. not a good year to feel like this.. it's my golden birthday plus I'll for real be legal which means I can do all the stuff I usually do anyway, legally =]

I'm all over the place here so stick with me, I've been really craving sushi, like really really bad. I had it for the first time with my SPR (sexy puerto rican ) and it was amazing to say the least. The kind I had was rolled backwards, so rice on the outside, with salmon, cream cheese, & guac (mouth waters ) I could so go for that right now, along with a chipotle burrito that my cousin has been promising me for three days .. LOSER.

Today I watched this movie called The life before her eyes.. it was confusing as shit, but really good. If you're bored like me ( I have a months trial for netflix) you should watch. First 5 minutes definitely sucked me in.

Anyway, I'm off to the gym.. I got weight to shed.

aww that just made me think of him. =[

toodlez .

# 18

I'm pretty sure I found him .

Sunshine .

19 Days til Summer

I choose to be with the person that makes me most happy

To laugh at things that need to be laughed at

To be as carefree as my heart desires

And to not give a fuck about those who don't matter

- Spanish Moss [ that's me ]

I may still not know what I want to be when I grow up,
but I do know that someday I want to live in a house filled with my books and travel souvenirs.
and the walls that aren’t covered in bookshelves will be covered with photos of my family and friends.
when I leave the house I will be going to a job i love, and I'll  return to a person i love.
so, that’s the dream I'm working on.

Sprinkles . Glitters & Cupcakes