12:42

" I was excited, cuz I was fallin'--fallin' in love with you"

Okay so straight up words are powerful as FUCK. No seriously, just give me a minute and hear me out. Some people are like you know " sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" or some shit like that but that's bull shit as hell. Excuse my potty mouth I have not a clue where the hell it's coming from but anyways, like I'm saying words are strong as hell. Like the " L Word" which I discussed earlier this month, but it's the truth. I feel like if you really don't feel that way when someone tells you that don't say it back to save face. In the end that shit comes out and then the person who was really in love is left out in the open, vulnerable as fuck and hurt. Basically that shit is selfish as hell to say it... just because. I mean yeah, granted it would be awkward to just not say it back but they definitely have to respect you for being real. that's all im saying.

adios.

8 more days

Okay so I literally have a week & one day left until it's time for me to leave. I'm taking my first trip on Amtrak, pray for me that it's not horrible. Christmas was interesting, I wasn't really expecting much, I was actually disappointed that I didn't have the funds to get all the people I love gifts but as soon as the mula comes in, Imma have gifts galore to hand out. :)

any who...

I'm having THEE hardest time deciding where I want to go for my 21st/golden birthday. 6/21 is SOOO far away; yet so close. Besides if I price it now I could definitely get a good deal on a package. So I'm thinking Puerto Rico, Mexico or MAYBE Vegas since I do have fam out there.. Oh the many choices. I managed to pack majority of my stuff today, go me since I'm the type to wait til the last minute possible to actually start packing, but whatever. I'm making progress which is good. 2010 is almost here, damn December flew by fast. Anyone doing any resolutions? I wanna start doing either yoga or Pilate's. That's all I got so far, oh yeah and choose between psychiatry or psychology. decisions. decisions.

adios.

Hard Candy

First off let me start by saying this movie was weird. Not only was it weird but the director kind of left people hanging.

If you have a light stomach don't watch this because there's one graphic part in it that was like what the fuck is wrong with this chick. The chick being Ellen Page, excuse me if I spelt her name wrong but she was damn right psycho in this movie. I like to find good movies and watch them when I'm sitting in the house avoiding the snow. Like a sane person would, unless you have some weird ass infatuation with snow, hence you would be outside like a dummy playing in it. Otherwise, if you're not doing anything check this movie out, lemme know what you think. It was good, no doubt but I still stick with my weird rating. She was fuckin' psycho, but it kind of made you think what if which is kind of interesting as well.

The L word.

No. Not the show. I mean love. Have you ever been terrified of using it? The past two relationships that I've been I didn't think twice about dropping the word. This relationship I'm so hesitant to say it and I know I'm only fooling myself. I love him with out a doubt, it's sad I can admit it on a blog but not in person. I'm terrified of getting my heart broken again therefore I just dunno if I'm ready to make that step. Oh this sucks big time. I keep wanting to go back and retrace footsteps that are already present, and the only reason is because I don't want to be honest with myself. Ehhh.. soon or later, probably sooner I'm guessing I'm going to have to admit it. But I'm scared. I don't want to be that vulnerable again. Maybe I shouldn't say I don't want to, I'm just afraid to be. There it is.

I feel like this is so dumb. I should be able to just say it and deal with the reaction to it. I'm not even afraid of the fact that he may not say it back. We've been together for almost 2 years so honestly if he doesn't there's nothing I can do about it and I can accept that. I think I'm more afraid of him actually saying it back. Once you drop that word, it has so many meanings and emotions tied to it and my ass is already emotional as it. Bahhhh humbug. [ I've always wanted to say that.. deal with it ] This sucks but mainly for me since I've become so secretive with my emotions and would rather keep it bottled up inside. I think the last straw that broke the camel's back was when I spoke to his granny. She said she knew I loved her grandson from the way I talked about him... BAM. Elders always know it, there's no hiding it from them. That was all the proof I needed to convict myself of being guilty. Ooooo booooo. Once this is all said and done I'm going to look back at this and say " Cymone, get it together it wasn't even that bad" but until then I will be analytical, emotional self and continue to argue the inevitable knowing the truth is already out there and I need to quit lying to myself. Thank you & Good night.

hah.

Eff it all

I've come to the point where I'm literally just ready to say FUCK IT ALL. I'm tired of trying to make everyone happy, I'm tired of not being friends with people and not even knowing why. I'm tired of biting my tongue and putting a smile on when I don't feel like it.. Basically I'm just TIRED. I can't even describe to you the amount of things building up inside of me and I'm ready to just explode. I keep a lot of things inside because I'm careful to be super patient, kind and try to help others as much as possible but I still seem to be grasping the short end of the stick. HOW THE EFF does that work out? I mean seriously, I may not be able to do everything you need me to do but I still try and be the best person that I can be. I'm so done. If you don't have my best interest at heart, there's the door USE it. If you don't want anything more from me then to get between my thighs, please be a man and say that shit because I will NOT hesitate to call you on it anymore. I'm tired of getting fed the same ol bull shit and to still smile through it like everything is just peachy. Well guess what it's not.

THAT IS ALL.

Love Bug.

Sometimes I just want to close my eyes and the madness of the world becomes at a standstill

I don't want to have to deal with " silly" emotions nor the complications that life throws at you

I'm not complaining.. just simply stating.. madness I need a break from you

From you twists and turns and life changing situations that you decide to throw my way...

It's amazing how you can be so set in a certain opinion and certain circumstances alter them

I mean come on, I was definitely sure that in no way shape or form is it okay for you to have your cake and eat it to.. But I may feel differently now. It could be from past experiences that have made me want to lock my heart up in numerous way and compartments, or even the simple fact that I'm scared to admit the inevitable which so kindly snuck up on me and bit the shit out of me. I didn't bleed though, nah I've grown to become almost immune to these bites. ALMOST.

See the harder you fight the faster you fall, it's almost like quick sand you know when you have to stay calm and then you can be set free ( okay maybe it's like harry potter when they were wrapped up in the devils snare and Ron freaked out, and Hermione told him that he had to calm down in order to break free.. don't judge me okay ) anyway.. I kept fighting and well it happened. I'm scared as shit because I have to brace myself for this emotion, nobody can give me a straight answer when I ask " What is love" there are so many definitions of it that I don't even know if I have an understanding but I feel it towards him and I'm scared. I'm scared because of what the past has brought and I don't want that to happen again.. It would be my fault. You know fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.. fool me three times.. yeah you get the drift..

We spend our whole lives telling ourselves that
everything happens for a reason when in reality,it's just that we give reasons for everything that happens