Something is missing

So I was put onto this song called " Something is Missing " (the acapella version ) by Brandy. This song is amazing. I listen to it a lot and I can definitely relate to it, because I do feel like something is missing. I'm becoming more and more happy with my major choice which is Psychology, but I still don't know specifically where I want to go with my degree. I'm torn between working in a rehab facility or working in a hospital, I know for sure I want to focus on rehabilitation, that's really big for me. But anyway, back to the song it basically says that she feels like she's going in circles and that she doesn't know what's going on she's lost in the middle of no where. I feel like that a lot, when I'm in a certain place. I don't feel whole, I feel like there's a hole, somewhere on me and I don't know where or what I'm actually looking for.. it's just different.

I'm determined to find this " something " whatever it is, and whatever this journey takes me. I need to find it..

Cheaters. Liars. Snoopers. Insecurities.

CHEATERS!?!

First let me say this; I am guilty of 3 out of 4 of these things. Who doesn't lie? I lied my ass off as a kid, but I learned from it, and my mom was right in telling me that once you lie once it's a continuous spiral down because you have to keep lying. I honestly try to not lie ... but there are certain things that we don't even realize we're lying about because it's become unconscious. I've also snooped before which I hate to admit but I'm human and I know I was wrong so I just don't anymore. Whatever you go looking for.. you will find it. Sometimes it's best for things to not be found and of course who am I kidding BUT I'm also insecure about things as well. Let me just make this as short and straight to the point as possible: I was cheated on in my past two relationships and now they both have kids.


Not going to lie, that shit fucks with you. The first time it's like cool, whatever you know it hurts but I can get through this. Then you go onto the next after some time and BAM.. it happens again. Then you have to start wondering, "well damn did I do something wrong?" But no people.The reasons they both gave me were you're too prefect" WTF? Now that sounds like some She's Out of my League type ish but I kid you not that's what I got. See my thing is this, guys will bug the shit out of you most of the time to show you "we're not all the same" " give me a chance" blah-zay-skippy BUT 9 times out of 10 it comes back they it was just them talking out of their ass.


I hate cheaters. Cheaters are liars who in turn make you want to snoop and then you develop insecurities. Im not going to justify it being okay to snoop because it's NOT. I learned my lesson and I truly want this relationship to be different, but that little annoying bug called Insecurity likes to drop in from time to time and sit on my shoulder.. and just be whispering. Then I let it get to me.. and I shouldn't. But have you ever been at a point where you just want to be proved WRONG for once. I mean damn, can we get a honest, good-looking, faithful "non-existent" boyfriend. Maybe that's too much? I mean as far as I know and I believe & trust this relationship has been different. I love it. The insecurities get to me but if I can write it out then I don't have to worry. He hasn't cheated ( thank god ) and I'm going to pray it stays that way.


But how do you get out of this vicious cycle, whose funnel is the twisted lies, and nightmares of cheating. You try not to be annoying, over-analyzing, skitzo girlfriend but then again nobody is perfect. Everyone has flaws, and the unconscious feelings that keep coming back, and you not realizing until it's too late that you're doing it until you're already there; maybe it's not the bug insecurity but maybe it's the woman's intuition that we're always told to listen to.



What to do?