Transitions

"Distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone, in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it even if they don't see it nearly enough" - Cubanbunny's blog



This pretty much sums up how I'm feeling about this whole long distance thing the second time around. I miss him, point blank period. We had the chance to get close over the last 5 months and it meant so damn much to me. To be around each other, to lay on him if I wanted to, or kiss him when I wanted to. People take that type of thing for granted being around their significant other, you know the whole " you never know what you have until it's gone".. ugh it sucks. Which you would think it would be easier since we've done this before, but I got so comfortable being around him, as the time got closer to me leaving it became more and more overwhelming. I have this happiness around him that's indescribable, and I just want that happiness back. I just want to laugh, and be on the beach again, throwing the Frisbee and making up our salsa dance =].. but unfortunately I have to wait, and I don't like waiting.



Trying to focus on the next time I see him is what I need to do, and trying to not be sad/upset is the second thing I need to do. But of course, things are always "easier said than done" blah blah blah blah. I basically just want what I want and I want it now. I sound like the little girl in Charlie & the Chocolate Factory who was a brat. So maybe I am a brat when it comes to him, I just want him back. Baby come back? Please

.

Since I've been back there has only been ONE day of sunshine. I'm pretty sad about this, because I left 87 degree heat, which I am guilty of complaining about but still, I miss the sun ! It's supposed to rain for the next two days and although I hate the cold, it definitely reflects my mood because I miss him like crazy. June seems like it's forever & a day away and being long distance sucks. I know I can handle it, but sometimes I just want him to be able to come over and make everything better. Hopefully things will get better though, because no matter how slow time is going by it is passing, and pretty soon it will be June and time to see my baby!

I left my heart in Hampton, Va

In two days I'm going home, these TWO days will be the longest ever, well at least that's how it feels. The reason being is because I left my heart in hampton/maryland.. I became closer with three of the most amazing people ever + the most amazing boyfriend ever.. who left to maryland earlier today. I've packed up majority of my life in petersburg, where I basically just stayed to go to school, and I left every good, crazy, living life to the fullest, sad, stressed, mad ( which was very seldom) moments in the Hampton, VA. You know how you meet those type of friends who you have to see every day because they bring some short of sunshine into your life? They make it all worthwhile, well here's mine..


Jason aka " Sweater One" :


'

Jason is the one who makes me laugh, and is always there to give you advice. He's one of a kind and he's such an amazing person, I honestly don't think Jason & I have ever argued. Despite the fact that we recently got close this semester he's a person I could see as a life long friend, he isn't your average "black guy" which is why I like him so much. He's just down to earth, and he tells it like it is, I hope this doesn't sound like a creepy here's a guy for sale or anything like that. He's just a good friend, and I'm glad he was brought into my life.. besides what guy in your life can you say almost walked into lady gaga and got arrested because he was too occupied texting. Yeah.. go head .. hate on it. Anyway Jason, if you see htis know that your amazing, and that you shouldn't change for anyone! I hope to visit Jersey soon so I can get a coney dog and have lots of fun ! COWBOY JASON! Yellow nipples & streaking on the private beach. Oh yeah and ROOT beer. =]


The Better One & The Letter One aka Livi & Matthew :




The other couple .. Jeeze I'm going to miss you two. Im so glad I got to know you know Livi, you've made my life that much more funnier with your amazingly random personality, and dances. Your hands down my favorite Berumudian although your the only bermudian I know but still, who says that matters. Matt your definitely one of a kind and the things you do are equally funny, I hope you two know how much you guys mean to me and have an amazing summer! I'm going to miss all the things that Matt you've already experienced and nine times out of 10 can tell us all how it works, and livi and your crazy dance moves, that come at the most random of times. Fendi too, even though he made me sneeze like there was no tomorrow, and getting to know all you two because we hung out so often, doing your hair and learning new things about different countries, fashion or where the conversation may take us. I can't wait until we do our cruise, get that condo in NY & get you on a track my sexy bermudian!


Last but DEFINITELY not least, the most amazing boyfriend ever... who took part of me to maryland and anywhere else you go this summer:




Baby.. baby.. Baby.. words can't describe how amazing you are. Especially that nose of yours ;).. this semester wouldn't have been complete without you and your the one who introduced me to these crazy amazing people. I miss you so much and it hasn't even been a whole day. I just want to thank you for everything, all the good times & bad because you can't have the good without the bad. I know I'm going to see you again but when you're with someone who makes it seems like the world is perfect and nobody can hurt me .. you always want to be around that person. This semester will forever be apart of me and I have you to thank for.. I can't wait for the many more to come...



Well people.. I just wanted to give a introduction to the amazing people who kept me sane, and loved while I was away from home. My second family.. I can't wait until I see you guys again. Until next time..

Something is missing

So I was put onto this song called " Something is Missing " (the acapella version ) by Brandy. This song is amazing. I listen to it a lot and I can definitely relate to it, because I do feel like something is missing. I'm becoming more and more happy with my major choice which is Psychology, but I still don't know specifically where I want to go with my degree. I'm torn between working in a rehab facility or working in a hospital, I know for sure I want to focus on rehabilitation, that's really big for me. But anyway, back to the song it basically says that she feels like she's going in circles and that she doesn't know what's going on she's lost in the middle of no where. I feel like that a lot, when I'm in a certain place. I don't feel whole, I feel like there's a hole, somewhere on me and I don't know where or what I'm actually looking for.. it's just different.

I'm determined to find this " something " whatever it is, and whatever this journey takes me. I need to find it..

Cheaters. Liars. Snoopers. Insecurities.

CHEATERS!?!

First let me say this; I am guilty of 3 out of 4 of these things. Who doesn't lie? I lied my ass off as a kid, but I learned from it, and my mom was right in telling me that once you lie once it's a continuous spiral down because you have to keep lying. I honestly try to not lie ... but there are certain things that we don't even realize we're lying about because it's become unconscious. I've also snooped before which I hate to admit but I'm human and I know I was wrong so I just don't anymore. Whatever you go looking for.. you will find it. Sometimes it's best for things to not be found and of course who am I kidding BUT I'm also insecure about things as well. Let me just make this as short and straight to the point as possible: I was cheated on in my past two relationships and now they both have kids.


Not going to lie, that shit fucks with you. The first time it's like cool, whatever you know it hurts but I can get through this. Then you go onto the next after some time and BAM.. it happens again. Then you have to start wondering, "well damn did I do something wrong?" But no people.The reasons they both gave me were you're too prefect" WTF? Now that sounds like some She's Out of my League type ish but I kid you not that's what I got. See my thing is this, guys will bug the shit out of you most of the time to show you "we're not all the same" " give me a chance" blah-zay-skippy BUT 9 times out of 10 it comes back they it was just them talking out of their ass.


I hate cheaters. Cheaters are liars who in turn make you want to snoop and then you develop insecurities. Im not going to justify it being okay to snoop because it's NOT. I learned my lesson and I truly want this relationship to be different, but that little annoying bug called Insecurity likes to drop in from time to time and sit on my shoulder.. and just be whispering. Then I let it get to me.. and I shouldn't. But have you ever been at a point where you just want to be proved WRONG for once. I mean damn, can we get a honest, good-looking, faithful "non-existent" boyfriend. Maybe that's too much? I mean as far as I know and I believe & trust this relationship has been different. I love it. The insecurities get to me but if I can write it out then I don't have to worry. He hasn't cheated ( thank god ) and I'm going to pray it stays that way.


But how do you get out of this vicious cycle, whose funnel is the twisted lies, and nightmares of cheating. You try not to be annoying, over-analyzing, skitzo girlfriend but then again nobody is perfect. Everyone has flaws, and the unconscious feelings that keep coming back, and you not realizing until it's too late that you're doing it until you're already there; maybe it's not the bug insecurity but maybe it's the woman's intuition that we're always told to listen to.



What to do?

Soooo.. I'm finally in VA. I love the weather, this is definitely what I'd rather deal with vs the - degree weather we were getting up in Minnesota. At first I was listening to Tyneisha Kelly's song "I wish you loved me.." but her voice is sooo annoying. The song is good, but ughh girl stop whining. Now I'm listening to " Shouldn't have to wait" by Ryan leslie. Ohhh I love this song. I have mixed emotions, I'm feeling like a little of both right now. Check both the songs out, I understand if you'd rather read the lyrics to Tyniesha Kelly's song vs listening to it. But here's the Ryan Leslie lyrics I love so much :)

Verse 1:
It was just infatuation (yeah)
And I know I should’ve said so (oooh)
'cause you gave up your relations (yeah)
So that you could have me for yours

[Pre-Chorus:]
Boo, after quite some time
You got restless babe
Said you wanted more, from me (lemme talk about it)
I didn’t know what to do
I just turned away
When you looked me in the eyes and say…

[Chorus:]
This is crazy!
I shouldn’t have to wait (that’s what you told me)
I shouldn’t have to wait for you
I shouldn’t have to wait for your love… (no, no, no)
Baby save it!
I shouldn’t have to wait
I shouldn’t have to wait for you
I shouldn’t have to wait for your love…

[Verse 2:]
Uh…
Couldn’t see what I was losing (yeah)
When I said I couldn’t stay, that night (uh)
And it must have been confusing (yeah)
Can imagine what was on your mind
When you begin to cry

[Pre-Chorus:]
Boo, after quite some time
You got restless babe
Said you wanted more, from me (aaand)
I didn’t know what to do (do)
I just looked away (I looked away…)
When you turned to me and you said you’re sick of waiting

[Chorus:]
This is crazy!
I shouldn’t have to wait (baby)
I shouldn’t have to wait for you (I shouldn’t have to wait for you)
I shouldn’t have to wait for your love… (lo–lo–love)
Baby save it! (baby)
I shouldn’t have to wait (I shouldn’t have to wait)
I shouldn’t have to wait for you (shouldn’t have to wait for your love)
I shouldn’t have to wait for your love… (lo–lo–love)

(Woo!)

[Bridge:]
Oooo, I’m not tryna’ be tough
I know what you need
And I know I’m not the one
Baby trust me (I know I’m not thaaa one)
To take good care of you
(I know) it’s gotta be rough
Said, I know it tears you up inside
Knowing I can’t
Give you what you need
And I know its craaaazy…

[Chorus: w/ ad-libs]
This is crazy!
I shouldn’t have to wait (no I shouldn’t have to wait)
I shouldn’t have to wait for you (baby)
I shouldn’t have to wait for your love…
(shouldn’t have to wait for love, yeah)
Baby save it!
I shouldn’t have to wait (oh, yeaaah)
I shouldn’t have to wait for you (for your loooove)
I shouldn’t have to wait for your love…
(I don’t wanna wait for your love)

This is crazy!
I shouldn’t have to wait (no baaaby)
I shouldn’t have to wait for you (tell me why you make me wait)
I shouldn’t have to wait for your love… (I don’t wanna wait for you)
Baby save it!
I shouldn’t have to wait
I shouldn’t have to wait for you (for your love bae
I shouldn’t have to wait for your love…
(I shouldn’t have to wait, no, no, no)

Me & my Randomness

I love. LOVE. LOVE. her nails.

These are just a few quotes that give me strength, make me smile, inspire me. Some are how I'm feeling, some are just randomness that makes me.. well me.



you're not going to be his first & you're not going to be his last, or his only.
he has loved before, and he will love again.
if he says he loves you now, what else matters?
he isn't perfect and you aren't either.
but he can make you laugh, he can make all your worries go away, &admit that he too makes mistakes. so hold onto him for as long as you can.
he isn't going to quote sappy love poems, but he will trust you enough to give you a part of him that you have the ability to break.
don't hurt him, don't try to change him, and don't expect more than he can give. don't analyze.
smile when he makes you happy, and let him know when he makes you mad.
miss him when he isn't there, and appreciate him for everything that he is worth.
because before you know it, he will only be a memory.


I've stopped taking people's shit completely.
I'm gonna be completely honest.
Say what I feel.
And fuck the people who get in the way.


So fail. Be bad at things. Be embarrassed. Be afraid. Be vulnerable.
Go out on a limb or two or twelve. You will fall, and it will hurt.
But the farther you fall, the higher you will rise.
The higher you rise, the clearer your future becomes. Failure is a gift, welcome it.
There are people who spend their whole lives wondering how they became the people they became,
how certain chances pass them by, why they didn't take the roads less traveled.
Those people aren't you.
You have front row seats to your own transformation and in transforming yourself,
you might transform the world. It will be electric, and I promise it will be terrifying.
Embrace that; embrace the new person you're becoming.
This is your moment. I promise you, it is now, not to two minutes from now,
not tomorrow, but really now. Own that, know that deep in your bones,
go to sleep every night knowing that,
wake up every morning remembering that, and keep going.



Don't worry. He'll miss you. You're the best he could get and he blew it.
Don't let him make you think for one second that it was your fault.
It's not. He screwed up, and you did absolutely nothing wrong.
You gave him your heart and you trusted him to keep it and protect it, but he couldn't.
And honestly he's not mature enough. He's not smart enough.
If he was smart, he would have cared for you with every fiber of his being and been with you in every spare second he could, but he didn't and now he's gone.
But don't you cry, sweetie. Don't call him telling him you miss him.
Don't IM him, don't message him, don't comment him, and don't talk to him in the hallways,
just pretend like you don't care, because, well, you don't.
And don't be surprised when he comes crawling back saying he made a mistake,
and if you want to, go with him again, but make him work for you.
Don't be his doormat.
Don't let him the first time he rings the bell,
make him come back every day until you trust him enough.
If he doesn't come back after a couple of tries, just let him go,
but if he comes back every day, then he's worth it, trust me. He's worth it.



And I guess you're proof
that when you let go of the past,
something better comes along


You know what your problem is?
You have no idea what you're worth.
I'm serious, you don't know how beautiful you are.
I mean, when I look at you, I shiver.
And you can't even see it.


Sometimes I sit back and think I just want more than anything your time. I want you to look me in the eye and tell me I'm beautiful, and even when I don't feel like it tell me I'm amazing. To kiss me like no one is watching & to smile like I'm the only person in the world that you wanna be with. Is that too much to ask? - MEEEE