The L word.

No. Not the show. I mean love. Have you ever been terrified of using it? The past two relationships that I've been I didn't think twice about dropping the word. This relationship I'm so hesitant to say it and I know I'm only fooling myself. I love him with out a doubt, it's sad I can admit it on a blog but not in person. I'm terrified of getting my heart broken again therefore I just dunno if I'm ready to make that step. Oh this sucks big time. I keep wanting to go back and retrace footsteps that are already present, and the only reason is because I don't want to be honest with myself. Ehhh.. soon or later, probably sooner I'm guessing I'm going to have to admit it. But I'm scared. I don't want to be that vulnerable again. Maybe I shouldn't say I don't want to, I'm just afraid to be. There it is.

I feel like this is so dumb. I should be able to just say it and deal with the reaction to it. I'm not even afraid of the fact that he may not say it back. We've been together for almost 2 years so honestly if he doesn't there's nothing I can do about it and I can accept that. I think I'm more afraid of him actually saying it back. Once you drop that word, it has so many meanings and emotions tied to it and my ass is already emotional as it. Bahhhh humbug. [ I've always wanted to say that.. deal with it ] This sucks but mainly for me since I've become so secretive with my emotions and would rather keep it bottled up inside. I think the last straw that broke the camel's back was when I spoke to his granny. She said she knew I loved her grandson from the way I talked about him... BAM. Elders always know it, there's no hiding it from them. That was all the proof I needed to convict myself of being guilty. Ooooo booooo. Once this is all said and done I'm going to look back at this and say " Cymone, get it together it wasn't even that bad" but until then I will be analytical, emotional self and continue to argue the inevitable knowing the truth is already out there and I need to quit lying to myself. Thank you & Good night.

hah.